Archive for December 4, 2013

12 Signs That You May Be a People Pleaser

When Did You Start Living Off Crumbs?

My journey began as a child who was the obvious least favored of my siblings. I then learned to take whatever leftover love that was available to me in our household. The only time I really got affirmation or affection was when I did something well in school or extra-curricular activities. Thus, I began my pattern of auditioning or earning love from friends and love interests.  I would brag, “I never get into arguments with my friends. We always get along.” The truth was that my friends and I always got along because I had no boundaries. If I thought I was going to have to say no to someone, I would find some other way to accommodate the person. I had evolved into a full-fledged people pleaser by the time I went to college.  I continued this pattern into dating and relationships, where regarding oneself as worthy is a requirement for a healthy relationship. Let’s just say that I didn’t have many of them because I was either trying to earn love or I would force the other person to earn my love. I was living off crumbs or expecting others to do the same.
Living off crumbs means accepting as little as someone is willing to give you with the hopes of one day getting a real meal from that person. It’s accepting what you think you deserve or think that a person is able to give you.  Here are some indications that you may be living off crumbs:

  1. Allow others to come in and out of your life conveniently
  2. Rarely make demands on others
  3. Scared of people who try to love you “too much”
  4. Willing to get into relationships with someone who is obviously involved with someone else
  5. Take jobs below your skill level or ability
  6. May be an overachiever or workaholic
  7. Make excuses for other people’s indiscretions and allow them to misbehave or mistreat you, claiming others just don’t understand
  8. Misread cues, thinking any type of  kind or friendly gesture is some type of sign of true affection, interest or even love
  9. Spend a lot of time fantasizing about when the situation will change or how other people really feel about you despite behavior to the contrary
  10. Rejection is debilitating for you, so instead of keep trying, you may give up rather easily
  11. Tend to play games with other people’s affection, requiring them to earn your affection because love shouldn’t be easy in your mind
  12. Always reminding people of your accomplishments or you make up things to impress others

Some or most of these characteristics apply to those who live off crumbs. For most, their journey began in childhood, but for others, they conformed to this mentality after being maligned or mistreated by the person they love. They blamed themselves, thinking “something must be wrong with me.” They never consider other people’s shortsightedness, callousness or prejudice. The result is believing that other people’s opinions are more valuable than theirs, or low self-worth.
Although figuring out when your journey to living off crumbs is helpful to the extent that you can answer why you are this way, this evaluation doesn’t help to necessarily correct the problem. What does help is to find new motivation other than pleasing others.
We have to earn people’s trust and respect in business, so that kind of attitude is acceptable. This, however, shouldn’t be the source of personal relationships. If you have a personal relationship now in which you’re needed rather than loved or heeded only for your contribution, then ask yourself:  “If I stay in this situation, what will it ultimately cost me? What has it already cost me?”
Who in your life loves you as is? This means you don’t have to be good at anything in particular or do anything to gain acceptance or approval. Seek that kind of unconditional acceptance in every relationship. Remember, God loves us as is, and that what makes His love so special.

 

-Annette Johnson, author What’s Your Motivation?

Seven Reasons Some People Fail Despite Being Given Enough to Succeed

Ever meet someone who was so very talented but never made it anywhere beyond his/her ideas and dreams? God loaded these people with talent that would be sure to catapult them into fame, success or wealth. Maybe they have only one profound gift, but it’s still something brilliant. Why would someone like this be broke, imprisoned or lacking in any regard?

Here are seven reasons why some people fail despite being given enough to succeed:

Greed: “I want it all” or “I deserve more” is what these people think. Watch a few episodes of Shark Tank and you’ll witness people who want to keep 100% of barely anything rather than 50% of plenty.

Pride: “I’m too good for that,” “I don’t need anyone else” or “I can do it by myself” are common assumptions of the proud.  In their minds, they are bigger and better than others, so they wait until people recognize that fact or they eliminate themselves due to lack of insight.

Procrastination: “I’ll do it later,” says the slothful. The problem is that later may be too late or never comes.

Impatience: “That may take years” or “I want it now” is what the short-sighted believe. Impatience causes people to get into unsuitable situations from which they may never rebound.   They miss the ideal to settle for either the counterfeit or convenient just because they didn’t want to wait.

Fear: “It probably won’t work out” or “I’m not that good” is what people think who are afraid of either success or failure. They are their own worst enemy, so nothing else has to stand in the way because either they won’t even try or they give up after a few unsuccessful attempts.

Bad Habit: “I have to smoke or drink something” or “Nothing’s wrong with hanging out at…” is the thought pattern here. Destructive behaviors and lifestyles are minimized or disregarded because they seem harmless. These habits are typically intensified with success, which grants greater access to everything, so the negative consequences soon interfere with further achievement.

Bad Relationship:  “My friend needs me to….” or “He/She doesn’t want me to…” This could include friends or a romantic relationship. Some relationships are major distractions in and of themselves. Others are toxic, wreaking havoc on the mind, body and spirit.

 

Some may argue that they have lacked opportunity or finances for success, but we can generate both opportunity and capital. Furthermore, some people fail to recognize or utilize either one wisely. No matter what excuses we use, the truth remains. We were put here to plug into something beyond ourselves, and one means is through our talent and gifts. When we fail to do this, we feel unfulfilled, no matter how much money we make. Thus, our goals should be centered or in line with our purpose.

Here are three tools that will help you overcome obstacles to successfully accomplishing your goals:

Prayer: Ask God to guide and direct your path, especially in recognizing opportunities and distractions. Ask Him to keep you humble and moderate in all that you do. Finally, ask Him for character traits, such as dedication and persistence, to help you accomplish your goals.

Support: Mingle with positive people who have similar interests. Organize a team (one or more) of people who are willing or able to help you.

Motivation: Find a reason to accomplish your goal(s) that’s relevant to more than just you. How will using your talent or gift better the world? We all need to earn money, but that shouldn’t be the only motive for pursuing your dreams. Making money is the byproduct of smart investments, so you don’t have to worry about money because it comes with wisely sharing your brilliance.

Ask yourself, “What my motivation?” The answer should help you identify what is driving your current decisions. It should also help you change your motivation if necessary, so that you achieve your goals.

What motivation do you need to read this blog?

What motivation do you need to read this blog?

You should require nothing but the desire to improve:

  • Yourself
  • Your outlook
  • Your life
  • Your interactions

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